Thursday, August 19, 2010

Strolling Down Memory Lane….

Sometimes, this is the worst. You never re-live the bad times. Only the good… and soon, that ‘i miss this’ feeling comes into play. And before we know it. Were stuck, stuck ten steps back from the progress that was being made. How can we move forward if we’re stuck in the past, wishing we had that happiness of the ignorant bliss back… to have that feeling of a whole warm heart again.

Its crazy. Because even through the arguments I smiled. But it’s not you i miss. It was who you were to me. I could have loved anybody… but I chose to give it too you. I remember the whole process of slowly piece by piece I started to give you all of my heart and the more I gave the safer I felt…. I was just a fool in love, well… what I thought was love.

Every moment we spent together, I always took in every second. I can still feel your touch……..

But none of this matters anymore. I’m moving on and moving forward. Waiting for the day where I can create new memories and use my knowledge from what I learned being with you to better my relationship and self.

This a chapter I’m ready to close.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

I need to get back to this……

30 Days, 30 Letters. I’ve been wanting to write more often on here rather than just post music and videos. This is definitely a good way to get that started. 

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Day 5 ♥ Letter To My Dreams

I’m GOING to achieve you
Beware I am COMING for you.
I cant quite put into stone what exactly I want, but I have few ideas and working each one of them everyday. Only thing that can stop me is God himself. Im not stopping til I’m satisfied and financially stable, no I dont want to be filthy rich…. but I want live without worrying about not having enough to pay my bills or food. In retrospect … I want to ”fuck and live comfortably” . haha I don’t know why that popped in my head, but it made sense for me. 
I have a lot I want to do. So theres plenty of options for trial and error. I know the pathway to there will be rough, hell I’m experiencing my own turbulence now, but i’m holding on tight and enjoying the ride taking anything that knocks me off course as a learning experience….never a regret. 
At the end of this journey, I know a lot of the people here now won’t be there in the end and even some of those will try to come back once they see your doing good. I’m prepared. As long as I know my family will be there…. its all I need.
I can see you, but yet so far away to touch.

heartless ♥ romantic

Day 4 ♥ Letter To My Sibling

I remember when I got to choose your middle name, its so silly to think of it now why I choose Courtney, but I still like it and it made me feel special that Mommy let me choose a name for you. =)
Your so annoying sometimes. I just want to lock you in a room and keep you there sometimes, but I know you’ll freak out because your too s 
cared. It annoys me how scary you are sometimes… feel like yelling ”MAN UP” some times, because in the long run people gonna run over you.
But anyway. I love you more than you can ever annoy me. Im like a second and a half parent to you. I dont know what I would do if I ever lost you. I still wish you were older, I would love to take you out and get schwasted with me and cause all kinds of BS and corrupt you. *evil laugh* I wish that you were old enough to be up with me right now. I’ll take it how things are, because you’ve taught me a lot, learned to own up to my own responsibilities and prepare myself for when I have my own kids.
I love you. End of story 

heartless ♥ romantic

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Day 2 ♥ Letter To My Crush

Well this is far from a crush now, i’ve been crushed literally. I have fallen, the bruises on my legs show how hard. I could’ve stayed in ignorant bliss,and continued on with being ‘happy’ with you. Believing i was the only one. Oh well. The feelings in my heart aren’t gonna go away easy. You hurt me. You lied to me. You made me believe that there was a honest man out there. And faster than that, you showed me how many lies I believed. Then just let me go.
Yes I know I made my own mistakes and told stupid lies, which probably pushed you to keep her around even more. I’m sorry. And for some reason as I’m writing this. Our apologies don’t seem as sincere through a computer or a phone. Anyone can write. I wish I talked to you when I couldn’t sleep.
It hurt me so bad to see the things that I thought were meant for only me, being said to someone else. Someone else who you made me believe was no threat. In reality, a big one. History always wins over the present. As much as I wanted to make new memories with you, well we did. Aside from all the arguing (which I slightly enjoyed) every moment I spent with you I loved. The anticipation of planning to see you always made me happy. Good morning’s and good night baby, made me smile all over. Meeting your friends and family and loving every single person, even the ones that got on your nerves. Your mother and grandmother are beautiful strong women, and the respect that you had for them made me love you even more.
My last weekend with you, I was mad and happy all at the same time. I know you sensed it, I felt your body try to suffocate me in my sleep. lol.  Im glad I was able to be there with you during your tough times. It wasn’t the right time to say good-bye, but i couldn’t hold it in any longer. If I could go back, and take in every last moment in with you. I would. Who else is gonna lick my face while im sleep?? ;)
But now, I question if everything you said was true, if I even really had a chance, could you possibly leave the old habits behind one day? I regret a lot. But learned even more. Question….. are you really happy?

Day 1 ♥ Letter To My Best Friend

I’ve known you for only a year now, wait its going on two. win =) But I love you so much for being in my life. I dont know what I would do without you. Well I am, with us living in different states now, its the hardest thing ever.

When I needed to cry on someone’s shoulder, you were there. When I needed someone to take random trips with me, you were there. When I needed someone just to sit in the room with me and not say anything… you were there. And I still enjoyed every bit of your company.

I have plenty of close friends. But you stand out. I NEVER have to think twice about what I want to say to you, it could be the most outlandish thing and not even for a second would you judge me, have the time it was always a ”Me too!” I remember when I first met you, I didn’t like you to much. Seemed like just another rude New Yorker. It wasn’t until that one night at the studio where we became close. And each trip to the studio we became closer. There was never a time when i got tired of being around you. I think, yeah there was once. When we had that falling out. I wanted to talk shit about you, but the only person I wanted to talk to was you. Then that day when Mel’s instigating ass made us talk when I had to get my shit from you. First thing you said was ”I missed you Drea” … yeaahh thats right. I won bitch.

 What other friend cries for you when you get hurt, feels the pain you do and not even in the same state. I love you, I haven’t seen you in a year. It kills me. Come back to me Johnnie.

P.s : bring your hair supplies. =D

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Ignorance is Bliss

when are we really happy? Are we happy when we know that things can't go wrong. When we don't know any better or better yet, the truth.

A baby always seem so happy because they can't comprehend the cruelties of reality. everything is at peace for them.

Now when a loved one hurts you, and your afraid to let that person go.... its then you wish for that ignorance to remain in that euphoria of happiness. To continue on and wish to deal with the pain a later time. Point is, truth hurts. Ignorance is bliss..... where would you rather be?

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

10 Steps Back

I never thought I would be back in this situation. Feeling like there's a part of me missing because I gave so much. So much I feel like i was left with nothing. As a deep part of me wants everything to be back to normal, but I know that this was for the better.

The lies. The smiles. The yelling. The Kisses.

I could be happy and complain about them all. But I sit here. Trying not to cry. Thinking of a way I fill the place you once held. Because I was so close to that happiness that i always wanted. Now it all seems like a false hope.

This all too familiar pain that I never wanted to feel again. Because of that who knows how long this one would take.

heartless ♥ romantic 

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Where do we go from here.

I know I made some mistakes
but theres still something about me worth holding on to,
something left to help me grow.

But baby, you have to do your part and let go. 

Let go and let love happen.

Mistakes are meant to be learned from.
                   I learned

heartless romantic 

Sunday, January 10, 2010

written by anonymous....

Some may say that I have it good and others would say that I am taking advantage of my situation. Truth be told... I really don't know how to handle the most important part of my life, my relationship. I am so engulfed in what others may call a game or even me being a hoe that it seems like my body is creeping up and taking control of who I am and who I want to be... I love him I do but there is this man, a slightly older man that is starting to cloud my better judgment. I'm not sure what it is about him but all I know is that when I am around him, something inside of me wants to "get loose" as he would say. Over the years I have learned to tame the promiscuous urges that so often made me want to hit it and quit it like a nigga fresh out looking for his first hit back on the street. Yet recently I have gone to extremes to see what it would be like to unleash that sexual being within and I have learned that she is more than happy being tamed. For when the time comes for her to unleash her rath, all will be well and she will be more than satisfied with the man she is with, my man. January 2010 has rolled around and I have come to the conclusion that there will be no more games, no more pondering whether or not this move is the right move. He who has my heart shall have all of me till death do us part. It seems so funny now to say something like that when YOU are still on my mind, yet and still I know that nothing could ever come of this. So in the end it seemed that the best friend was the one telling me to do it for me and never to regret it. I have no regrets in life only urges that were taken farther than expected but never unwanted. Old habits die hard they say, yet I'm on cloud nine. Where are you?! ;-)

heartless romantic

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Saltue To The New Year

2010 rolled around....

had to bring it in wit the best...

"you want a barbie b.tch.....go get her #"

and pretty wasted ...
for some Boston girls....

we turned NY out....

"look at them lips. i gotta kiss ' blow kush, come hit this swisha"

AND...without the BULLSHIT.

heartless romantic