Me’Shell Ndegeocello

“You made a fool of me


Tell me why


You say that you don’t care, but we made love


Tell me why


You made a fool of me
I want to kiss you


Does she want you with the pain that I do?
I smell you in my dreams


Now when we’re face to face


You won’t look me in the eye


No time, no friendship, no love


You say don’t touch you, I can’t touch you no more”

The straw that broke the camels back ..

See,
I have this big heart that always wants to care, always wants to forgive, wants to believe there's hope and not give up. And every now and then I feel it creating its own heat trying to warm up and thaw out the thick ice that surrounds it. But it's trapped. Imprisoned by something else.

I have this brain. This, logical brain. So full of clarity and able to view things from many different aspects. Keeps everything in check. When I'm in some sort if confrontation, it helps me sit back and view it from someone else's shoes. 

After many years of battles between the heart and the mind. The mind clearly won, by default of course, the heart led by its own emotion and emitting so much trust was torn apart by the same people they considered allies, people it felt it could trust and help. And maybe, but not right away be reciprocated. Which never happened.

All along the mind knew, so it sat back and watch the easiest war being won. Knowing all along, the only thing that matters was to put the wishes of the body first. Time and time the mind tried to help the heart, but like everything else the heart pumps out was stubborn as ever.

After every failed attempt the heart takes, the thick ice just grows thicker. Sometimes the mind wonders how can two thing from the same place be so different.

It's been awhile since the heart tried warm up, the mind thinks its given up, letting life run its course.

The heart tried to light it's fire... Only to send chills through the body.

3:16am

.....
I feel like I can't seem to find love . I know I should be patient . But what if I never do? What if I never find that person I could be completely comfortable with? Is it that I won't be able to until I'm comfortable in my own skin ?

They say there's someone for everyone . Then why do some people die alone ? Why do some people never get married and never have kids ? Did they miss their chance ? Perhaps I missed mine? Pushed them straight out my life . Or Walk .

I have high hopes . Well not to high, those are meant to come crashing down on you. I just don't understand it some times . Like at this moment . I would love to have someone call just cuz they can't stop thinking about me .

When the dark becomes quite and the mind starts to scatter. Who's brain do I run across?...... If anyone.

I figured out our problem….

I found my comfort with you to let that wall down, but you still don’t want to. So I get mad at myself. Mad at life. Mad at the world. And get upset with you. Being careful not to trip on my words, afraid of another pointless argument with two souls who can’t love each other. Be so right, but be so wrong. Your nothing I ever dreamed of wanting, but be so right, feel so right. It’s difficult for having something that you trialed and error’d on for years in arm’s length and still can’t have it. I yearn to hear you tell me you love me. Or just be the man I know you can be when I feel. Ugh that sounds stupid. 

My heart. My love. I honestly feel it. It scares me.

I have to let you go.

I need to let you go

I just need to let go loving you. Learn to separate it into the friendship we once had. It’s so frustrating. When I want to let go, you pull me back in. stop. Please. It hurts. I can’t deal with my heat being torn at. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough for it. Let go of me. Let me go.

But what if I don’t ……

I give… You pull back… I give … you pull further away….

You give … and I’m afraid.

And be right where we was before … Oh well.

I lost my Best friend…

But I’m glad he showed me his true colors. I couldn't imagine being involved and deeper and then finding out the reality. I honestly hate him. I don’t know how anyone could be so…. Dramatic. Ok, I don’t hate him, I can’t hold hate in my heart, but I do know I’m glad he is no longer a part of my life. I just wish you could have stayed that person that I once/first knew I understand you’re mad at the world. But why be upset with the things you can’t change. 

I wrote this while hate still filled my heart, there's a second part I can't find yet...