Release

A new path, to happy and healthier methods. When the thoughts of the mind start to find itself at a loss of space in the mind ... We find a release, between the touch of a pen to the paper.

From the firewall of fear that surrounds the mind. I have found a way around the fear that won't allow me to speak the thoughts my mouth won't part to speak.

Not knowing if I was making the right choices and wondering about the endless "what-if's?" All became painful, trapped inside my body, spreading to my heart. I needed to let go, I needed a release, to breathe. 

And I dedicate this journal to breathing ... and most importantly ... healing.

Faith

I forgot how to be selfish. I'm not to sure if I ever knew how. All I knew was to take care of my family and anyone that cared for me. It was like my superpower. I can get anyone's problem handled near or from afar. It was amazing being able to see that persons smile or hear them jump for joy. It made me happy.

But when it came to me, I was lost, stuck, confused. Calling everyone for help to only be responded with "I'm sorry you're going through this". Is it my fault? Do I unknowingly make these mistakes myself? How can the problem solver solve her own problems? I never can. Feeling so overwhelmed. Point of tears and no more options. And every time I believe there is no other options, God always manages to help me find a way.

It may sound cliche, but those exact thoughts are the reason why I have faith tatted on me. I get so engulfed by these negative thoughts I forget the exact reason why I went through with something I swore up and down I would never do. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3;5)" Even though I'm still learning to accept these words and not go with my natural inclination of fear and doubt, it still manages to make it's way through those thoughts and remind me. Have Faith.

The thought of love used to scare me. 

Then I let you in.

And now the thought of losing you scares me.

The fear of never being able to feel my heart float the way it does with you.

The fear of never feeling as comfortable as I am laying on your chest with someone else.

That empty void, that I once filled with anger and hate.

You of all people came and filled it.

All I want is you

And just want to make you happy, show you i'm appreciative. 

Even if you don't know it. You saved me.

Made me into a better woman.

See my love we both have our flaws. And you've been so patient with me as I learn.

So I'm trying with you. 

Love is so unselfish.

And I give my all to you. 

But am I giving too much?