Thursday, June 2, 2011


That safety I had in my heart knowing that there was someone I could fall back on

That joy I felt knowing that every time you looked at me, you saw a beautiful face

Every fear I had was no longer relevant

Looking at you excited for what could come next

Talking to you without a care in the world, because there was nothing I could hide.

Comfort I felt in your arms

Nostalgia from your smell…..





Tuesday, May 31, 2011

It's Whatever.

How is it that I feel like I always end up here? Wondering what’s wrong with me? What did I do to always end up here? And it’s crazy because I never thought that you would be the one to make me feel this way.
I feel like I have this curse on me, something with guys it never seems to work.
You were my best friend; every time I got hurt… you would be mad, anytime I needed to cry, you were there without judgment. I could tell you anything, you still hold some of my deepest secrets I could never tell anyone.
But here I am alone, wondering how we got to this place, everything I was afraid of became true, lost my best friend, experiencing pain I never wanted to feel again…crying because I feel like a fool.
What hurts even more…is feeling like you lied to me and used 110210-153915me. When I wanted to be nothing more than someone that genuinely made you happy. Maybe it’s because I asked for it that I feel this way, maybe it’s because I let myself believe that I could actually have someone. But in the back of my head I knew, I knew you weren't genuine, I knew it could never be me.
I never wanted to have these feelings, they came on their own, or they were there the whole time and I just denied it.
I just want to know why? Why did you let me believe? Why did you let me walk away? Why do you make me feel like the biggest idiot?

I need change.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

4:00 am . April 5th, 2011 </3

everything i touch i seem to ruin. I cant ever harbor feelings for someone who is actually willing to reciprocate them. why is is that we always want who we cant have? and obtain these feelings for someone who we thought would never have feelings for?

It bothers anymore when you bottling these feelings up with no way to express them. One because you don't want to, and two you don't know how. Ever felt like you had a secret admirer? Ever been one? Watching from afar seeing them get hurt, in and out of relationships. And you just dip in and out of their lives casually like a fly. And in that moment of solitude, or that time when you see them after years… all these bad thoughts come to your head, saying how much you would like to be in the shoes of catering to that person. Feeling the affection they give that you’ve always been wanting.

Have you ever had your dream guy? Ever met him? And he end up being some ordinary Joe, not a artist or actor. Someone normal… but still could never have them. Get so close to only be pulled away. Afraid .

Ever swear to yourself that you don’t want any type of relationship, with anyone. But in those nights alone, or sitting quietly consumed by your thoughts there’s this one person that creeps into the back of your mind. Then come the flashbacks, close your eyes and you can still feel your head on his chest, the texture of his hair, and the feeling of never wanting to leave.

Ever been afraid of rejection? Wasted, thoughts, time, and pride. Hate when people say; “What you got to loose?” . There’s a lot at stake actually.

Have you tried listening to your gut and it doesn't give you a response?

Wonder why you even have these feelings/thoughts in the first place?

What if?





…………………………………..Yeah, me either.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Weed Vs. Alcohol .

I never understood why Alcohol is more so legal than weed. Personally I see Drinking has more negative side effects than weed.

I never had a banging ass headache after smoking a bunch of weed.

Never took me a day to fully function again either.

Never have I passed out from smoking a lot.

I mean I’ve had a weed coma sleep…but that was some damn good sleep.

Never blacked out .

Always have good memories.

Okay so it may burn going down.

But it doesn't last long.

Sh*t weed is even prescribed for medical uses.

What the hell can alcohol heal that wont return in the morning.

I never don’t see why we can’t smoke and obtain a job.

I probably can function better high than drunk.

I’m just saying, drinking will help drown out your problems for the moment, but end up up right back on top of your brain in the morning with a serious headache ( for those who aren't lucky ) . Smoke something with a few good people and laugh your problems away, and fall into a deep sleep with out worrying about anything. Maybe the sex may be a little different, at least i’ll remember it high. But I wonder, if weed was legal… would less people do it?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I got a heavy chest...

The past month has been a filled with many emotions. Coming to a point where im growing tired of the uncertanity of the people around me, along with the choices I've made. Now, I'm not saying i'm perfect. I made my bed now I need to lay in it. In other words, I made some mistakes and have to deal with my own consequences.

There has been plenty of times where friends have walked in and out of my life, we all even have those that stay but arent really there when you need them. Its usually in my nature to let them go, but only a few I try and fight for, but theres a breaking point...when you become restless and frustrated with trying to amend things even when you feel you did no wrong. At that point you can only let life take its course. Because everything happens for a reason.

I cant help but to feel like there's some things that are being said to other people about me (which happens all the time so whatever) but, this time is trying to ruin a close friendship of mine. Peoples actions and no reason for their dislike of me have me wondering that theres more to it that are afraid to speak on. Everyone wants to speak their mind, want people to address them and act mature, but when the shoe is on the other foot its different.

Ive been fake? I've been as real as it gets when it comes to myself, and i've been learning that i need to stop putting other people before me. But i've got my own life too, which has more than enough issues going on.

You would think that the truth will set you free, or that it will make things easier. How wrong are we, we never know how events will turn out until you take that risk. We can never take back the things we did, can never regret them because at some point we wanted it, even when we told some one we loved them. People fail to realize the strength of that word, when its said it's never stop loving anyone friend or lover, just learn to live without them.

Honestly. I'm still a human being, some friendships mean a lot to me, even if they aggravate my soul and it slightly bothers me that they dont feel the same.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Day 6 ♥ A stranger

I hope one day I’ll meet you, and you’ll be someone that will never leave my life. Maybe I’m hoping for too much. Even if you do not stay, I know you’ll be there for a reason.
I’m not a easy person to deal with, my emotions fluctuate all the time, I can be very selfish and most of my actions are only understood if you honestly know me, basically to know me is to love me. I cant understand myself at times, but most of my intentions are good.
Stanger, if you reading this….. I don't bite…………


Ever felt alone and betrayed? Ever felt like there's no one to turn to every time somethings gone wrong? Ever felt like some risks just aren't worth taking? Ever felt like you wish you could go back and follow that gut feeling? Ever not felt like yourself and went against all your morals? Ever felt like the pain would never go away? Ever wish that friendship could still be the same? Ever wish that you can be that person that you try to convince yourself you are? Ever felt like living isn't worth it if you have all this pain?

Have you ever just wanted to cry and no tears came out?
Have you ever cried at the smallest situation that didn't have to do with you and it felt good?

You ever pray and just hope god will answer?

You ever try to laugh and it hurt?

I have.
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