The straw that broke the camels back ..

See,
I have this big heart that always wants to care, always wants to forgive, wants to believe there's hope and not give up. And every now and then I feel it creating its own heat trying to warm up and thaw out the thick ice that surrounds it. But it's trapped. Imprisoned by something else.

I have this brain. This, logical brain. So full of clarity and able to view things from many different aspects. Keeps everything in check. When I'm in some sort if confrontation, it helps me sit back and view it from someone else's shoes. 

After many years of battles between the heart and the mind. The mind clearly won, by default of course, the heart led by its own emotion and emitting so much trust was torn apart by the same people they considered allies, people it felt it could trust and help. And maybe, but not right away be reciprocated. Which never happened.

All along the mind knew, so it sat back and watch the easiest war being won. Knowing all along, the only thing that matters was to put the wishes of the body first. Time and time the mind tried to help the heart, but like everything else the heart pumps out was stubborn as ever.

After every failed attempt the heart takes, the thick ice just grows thicker. Sometimes the mind wonders how can two thing from the same place be so different.

It's been awhile since the heart tried warm up, the mind thinks its given up, letting life run its course.

The heart tried to light it's fire... Only to send chills through the body.

3:16am

.....
I feel like I can't seem to find love . I know I should be patient . But what if I never do? What if I never find that person I could be completely comfortable with? Is it that I won't be able to until I'm comfortable in my own skin ?

They say there's someone for everyone . Then why do some people die alone ? Why do some people never get married and never have kids ? Did they miss their chance ? Perhaps I missed mine? Pushed them straight out my life . Or Walk .

I have high hopes . Well not to high, those are meant to come crashing down on you. I just don't understand it some times . Like at this moment . I would love to have someone call just cuz they can't stop thinking about me .

When the dark becomes quite and the mind starts to scatter. Who's brain do I run across?...... If anyone.

I figured out our problem….

I found my comfort with you to let that wall down, but you still don’t want to. So I get mad at myself. Mad at life. Mad at the world. And get upset with you. Being careful not to trip on my words, afraid of another pointless argument with two souls who can’t love each other. Be so right, but be so wrong. Your nothing I ever dreamed of wanting, but be so right, feel so right. It’s difficult for having something that you trialed and error’d on for years in arm’s length and still can’t have it. I yearn to hear you tell me you love me. Or just be the man I know you can be when I feel. Ugh that sounds stupid. 

My heart. My love. I honestly feel it. It scares me.

I have to let you go.

I need to let you go

I just need to let go loving you. Learn to separate it into the friendship we once had. It’s so frustrating. When I want to let go, you pull me back in. stop. Please. It hurts. I can’t deal with my heat being torn at. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough for it. Let go of me. Let me go.

But what if I don’t ……

I give… You pull back… I give … you pull further away….

You give … and I’m afraid.

And be right where we was before … Oh well.

I lost my Best friend…

But I’m glad he showed me his true colors. I couldn't imagine being involved and deeper and then finding out the reality. I honestly hate him. I don’t know how anyone could be so…. Dramatic. Ok, I don’t hate him, I can’t hold hate in my heart, but I do know I’m glad he is no longer a part of my life. I just wish you could have stayed that person that I once/first knew I understand you’re mad at the world. But why be upset with the things you can’t change. 

I wrote this while hate still filled my heart, there's a second part I can't find yet...

Smile

That safety I had in my heart knowing that there was someone I could fall back on

That joy I felt knowing that every time you looked at me, you saw a beautiful face

Every fear I had was no longer relevant

Looking at you excited for what could come next

Talking to you without a care in the world, because there was nothing I could hide.

Comfort I felt in your arms

Nostalgia from your smell…..

 

 

 

Gone.

It's Whatever.

How is it that I feel like I always end up here? Wondering what’s wrong with me? What did I do to always end up here? And it’s crazy because I never thought that you would be the one to make me feel this way.
I feel like I have this curse on me, something with guys it never seems to work.
You were my best friend; every time I got hurt… you would be mad, anytime I needed to cry, you were there without judgment. I could tell you anything, you still hold some of my deepest secrets I could never tell anyone.
But here I am alone, wondering how we got to this place, everything I was afraid of became true, lost my best friend, experiencing pain I never wanted to feel again…crying because I feel like a fool.
What hurts even more…is feeling like you lied to me and used me. When I wanted to be nothing more than someone that genuinely made you happy. Maybe it’s because I asked for it that I feel this way, maybe it’s because I let myself believe that I could actually have someone. But in the back of my head I knew, I knew you weren't genuine, I knew it could never be me.
I never wanted to have these feelings, they came on their own, or they were there the whole time and I just denied it.
I just want to know why? Why did you let me believe? Why did you let me walk away? Why do you make me feel like the biggest idiot?

I need change.

4:00 am . April 5th, 2011 </3

everything i touch i seem to ruin. I cant ever harbor feelings for someone who is actually willing to reciprocate them. why is is that we always want who we cant have? and obtain these feelings for someone who we thought would never have feelings for?

It bothers anymore when you bottling these feelings up with no way to express them. One because you don't want to, and two you don't know how. Ever felt like you had a secret admirer? Ever been one? Watching from afar seeing them get hurt, in and out of relationships. And you just dip in and out of their lives casually like a fly. And in that moment of solitude, or that time when you see them after years… all these bad thoughts come to your head, saying how much you would like to be in the shoes of catering to that person. Feeling the affection they give that you’ve always been wanting.

Have you ever had your dream guy? Ever met him? And he end up being some ordinary Joe, not a artist or actor. Someone normal… but still could never have them. Get so close to only be pulled away. Afraid .

Ever swear to yourself that you don’t want any type of relationship, with anyone. But in those nights alone, or sitting quietly consumed by your thoughts there’s this one person that creeps into the back of your mind. Then come the flashbacks, close your eyes and you can still feel your head on his chest, the texture of his hair, and the feeling of never wanting to leave.

Ever been afraid of rejection? Wasted, thoughts, time, and pride. Hate when people say; “What you got to loose?” . There’s a lot at stake actually.

Have you tried listening to your gut and it doesn't give you a response?

Wonder why you even have these feelings/thoughts in the first place?

What if?

 

 

 

 

…………………………………..Yeah, me either.