Release

A new path, to happy and healthier methods. When the thoughts of the mind start to find itself at a loss of space in the mind ... We find a release, between the touch of a pen to the paper.

From the firewall of fear that surrounds the mind. I have found a way around the fear that won't allow me to speak the thoughts my mouth won't part to speak.

Not knowing if I was making the right choices and wondering about the endless "what-if's?" All became painful, trapped inside my body, spreading to my heart. I needed to let go, I needed a release, to breathe. 

And I dedicate this journal to breathing ... and most importantly ... healing.

Faith

I forgot how to be selfish. I'm not to sure if I ever knew how. All I knew was to take care of my family and anyone that cared for me. It was like my superpower. I can get anyone's problem handled near or from afar. It was amazing being able to see that persons smile or hear them jump for joy. It made me happy.

But when it came to me, I was lost, stuck, confused. Calling everyone for help to only be responded with "I'm sorry you're going through this". Is it my fault? Do I unknowingly make these mistakes myself? How can the problem solver solve her own problems? I never can. Feeling so overwhelmed. Point of tears and no more options. And every time I believe there is no other options, God always manages to help me find a way.

It may sound cliche, but those exact thoughts are the reason why I have faith tatted on me. I get so engulfed by these negative thoughts I forget the exact reason why I went through with something I swore up and down I would never do. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3;5)" Even though I'm still learning to accept these words and not go with my natural inclination of fear and doubt, it still manages to make it's way through those thoughts and remind me. Have Faith.

The thought of love used to scare me. 

Then I let you in.

And now the thought of losing you scares me.

The fear of never being able to feel my heart float the way it does with you.

The fear of never feeling as comfortable as I am laying on your chest with someone else.

That empty void, that I once filled with anger and hate.

You of all people came and filled it.

All I want is you

And just want to make you happy, show you i'm appreciative. 

Even if you don't know it. You saved me.

Made me into a better woman.

See my love we both have our flaws. And you've been so patient with me as I learn.

So I'm trying with you. 

Love is so unselfish.

And I give my all to you. 

But am I giving too much?

Unexplainable Void

Trying how to explain why you feel a certain way, has be the single most biggest soul search one would have to delve in. There are so many layers of why on top of why. But in the end does it even really matter? 

As long as it makes you happy and that one void in your heart seems to be filled every time you're with that person or maybe that pain you get from smiling so hard while texting doesn't even phase you. Why does there have to be a reason on why you want that person. If they know how you feel and it's reciprocated that's all that should matter. Most of the time we fall for someone and don't even realize how deep we are until we start to see them slipping from our grasps, and then it's when you see that part of you that made you so complete. You'll do anything to keep ahold of that. People always say if they chose to leave they never cared about you to being with. But that's what's wrong with us nowadays, no one wants to fight for anything and expect it to be so natural. 

Sometimes that's what people need to see to stick around ... That you care. 

Me’Shell Ndegeocello

“You made a fool of me


Tell me why


You say that you don’t care, but we made love


Tell me why


You made a fool of me
I want to kiss you


Does she want you with the pain that I do?
I smell you in my dreams


Now when we’re face to face


You won’t look me in the eye


No time, no friendship, no love


You say don’t touch you, I can’t touch you no more”

The straw that broke the camels back ..

See,
I have this big heart that always wants to care, always wants to forgive, wants to believe there's hope and not give up. And every now and then I feel it creating its own heat trying to warm up and thaw out the thick ice that surrounds it. But it's trapped. Imprisoned by something else.

I have this brain. This, logical brain. So full of clarity and able to view things from many different aspects. Keeps everything in check. When I'm in some sort if confrontation, it helps me sit back and view it from someone else's shoes. 

After many years of battles between the heart and the mind. The mind clearly won, by default of course, the heart led by its own emotion and emitting so much trust was torn apart by the same people they considered allies, people it felt it could trust and help. And maybe, but not right away be reciprocated. Which never happened.

All along the mind knew, so it sat back and watch the easiest war being won. Knowing all along, the only thing that matters was to put the wishes of the body first. Time and time the mind tried to help the heart, but like everything else the heart pumps out was stubborn as ever.

After every failed attempt the heart takes, the thick ice just grows thicker. Sometimes the mind wonders how can two thing from the same place be so different.

It's been awhile since the heart tried warm up, the mind thinks its given up, letting life run its course.

The heart tried to light it's fire... Only to send chills through the body.

3:16am

.....
I feel like I can't seem to find love . I know I should be patient . But what if I never do? What if I never find that person I could be completely comfortable with? Is it that I won't be able to until I'm comfortable in my own skin ?

They say there's someone for everyone . Then why do some people die alone ? Why do some people never get married and never have kids ? Did they miss their chance ? Perhaps I missed mine? Pushed them straight out my life . Or Walk .

I have high hopes . Well not to high, those are meant to come crashing down on you. I just don't understand it some times . Like at this moment . I would love to have someone call just cuz they can't stop thinking about me .

When the dark becomes quite and the mind starts to scatter. Who's brain do I run across?...... If anyone.

I figured out our problem….

I found my comfort with you to let that wall down, but you still don’t want to. So I get mad at myself. Mad at life. Mad at the world. And get upset with you. Being careful not to trip on my words, afraid of another pointless argument with two souls who can’t love each other. Be so right, but be so wrong. Your nothing I ever dreamed of wanting, but be so right, feel so right. It’s difficult for having something that you trialed and error’d on for years in arm’s length and still can’t have it. I yearn to hear you tell me you love me. Or just be the man I know you can be when I feel. Ugh that sounds stupid. 

My heart. My love. I honestly feel it. It scares me.

I have to let you go.

I need to let you go

I just need to let go loving you. Learn to separate it into the friendship we once had. It’s so frustrating. When I want to let go, you pull me back in. stop. Please. It hurts. I can’t deal with my heat being torn at. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough for it. Let go of me. Let me go.

But what if I don’t ……

I give… You pull back… I give … you pull further away….

You give … and I’m afraid.

And be right where we was before … Oh well.

I lost my Best friend…

But I’m glad he showed me his true colors. I couldn't imagine being involved and deeper and then finding out the reality. I honestly hate him. I don’t know how anyone could be so…. Dramatic. Ok, I don’t hate him, I can’t hold hate in my heart, but I do know I’m glad he is no longer a part of my life. I just wish you could have stayed that person that I once/first knew I understand you’re mad at the world. But why be upset with the things you can’t change. 

I wrote this while hate still filled my heart, there's a second part I can't find yet...

Smile

That safety I had in my heart knowing that there was someone I could fall back on

That joy I felt knowing that every time you looked at me, you saw a beautiful face

Every fear I had was no longer relevant

Looking at you excited for what could come next

Talking to you without a care in the world, because there was nothing I could hide.

Comfort I felt in your arms

Nostalgia from your smell…..

 

 

 

Gone.

It's Whatever.

How is it that I feel like I always end up here? Wondering what’s wrong with me? What did I do to always end up here? And it’s crazy because I never thought that you would be the one to make me feel this way.
I feel like I have this curse on me, something with guys it never seems to work.
You were my best friend; every time I got hurt… you would be mad, anytime I needed to cry, you were there without judgment. I could tell you anything, you still hold some of my deepest secrets I could never tell anyone.
But here I am alone, wondering how we got to this place, everything I was afraid of became true, lost my best friend, experiencing pain I never wanted to feel again…crying because I feel like a fool.
What hurts even more…is feeling like you lied to me and used me. When I wanted to be nothing more than someone that genuinely made you happy. Maybe it’s because I asked for it that I feel this way, maybe it’s because I let myself believe that I could actually have someone. But in the back of my head I knew, I knew you weren't genuine, I knew it could never be me.
I never wanted to have these feelings, they came on their own, or they were there the whole time and I just denied it.
I just want to know why? Why did you let me believe? Why did you let me walk away? Why do you make me feel like the biggest idiot?

I need change.

4:00 am . April 5th, 2011 </3

everything i touch i seem to ruin. I cant ever harbor feelings for someone who is actually willing to reciprocate them. why is is that we always want who we cant have? and obtain these feelings for someone who we thought would never have feelings for?

It bothers anymore when you bottling these feelings up with no way to express them. One because you don't want to, and two you don't know how. Ever felt like you had a secret admirer? Ever been one? Watching from afar seeing them get hurt, in and out of relationships. And you just dip in and out of their lives casually like a fly. And in that moment of solitude, or that time when you see them after years… all these bad thoughts come to your head, saying how much you would like to be in the shoes of catering to that person. Feeling the affection they give that you’ve always been wanting.

Have you ever had your dream guy? Ever met him? And he end up being some ordinary Joe, not a artist or actor. Someone normal… but still could never have them. Get so close to only be pulled away. Afraid .

Ever swear to yourself that you don’t want any type of relationship, with anyone. But in those nights alone, or sitting quietly consumed by your thoughts there’s this one person that creeps into the back of your mind. Then come the flashbacks, close your eyes and you can still feel your head on his chest, the texture of his hair, and the feeling of never wanting to leave.

Ever been afraid of rejection? Wasted, thoughts, time, and pride. Hate when people say; “What you got to loose?” . There’s a lot at stake actually.

Have you tried listening to your gut and it doesn't give you a response?

Wonder why you even have these feelings/thoughts in the first place?

What if?

 

 

 

 

…………………………………..Yeah, me either.

Weed Vs. Alcohol .

I never understood why Alcohol is more so legal than weed. Personally I see Drinking has more negative side effects than weed.

I never had a banging ass headache after smoking a bunch of weed.

Never took me a day to fully function again either.

Never have I passed out from smoking a lot.

I mean I’ve had a weed coma sleep…but that was some damn good sleep.

Never blacked out .

Always have good memories.

Okay so it may burn going down.

But it doesn't last long.

Sh*t weed is even prescribed for medical uses.

What the hell can alcohol heal that wont return in the morning.

I never don’t see why we can’t smoke and obtain a job.

I probably can function better high than drunk.

I’m just saying, drinking will help drown out your problems for the moment, but end up up right back on top of your brain in the morning with a serious headache ( for those who aren't lucky ) . Smoke something with a few good people and laugh your problems away, and fall into a deep sleep with out worrying about anything. Maybe the sex may be a little different, at least i’ll remember it high. But I wonder, if weed was legal… would less people do it?

I got a heavy chest...

The past month has been a filled with many emotions. Coming to a point where im growing tired of the uncertanity of the people around me, along with the choices I've made. Now, I'm not saying i'm perfect. I made my bed now I need to lay in it. In other words, I made some mistakes and have to deal with my own consequences.

There has been plenty of times where friends have walked in and out of my life, we all even have those that stay but arent really there when you need them. Its usually in my nature to let them go, but only a few I try and fight for, but theres a breaking point...when you become restless and frustrated with trying to amend things even when you feel you did no wrong. At that point you can only let life take its course. Because everything happens for a reason.

I cant help but to feel like there's some things that are being said to other people about me (which happens all the time so whatever) but, this time is trying to ruin a close friendship of mine. Peoples actions and no reason for their dislike of me have me wondering that theres more to it that are afraid to speak on. Everyone wants to speak their mind, want people to address them and act mature, but when the shoe is on the other foot its different.

Ive been fake? I've been as real as it gets when it comes to myself, and i've been learning that i need to stop putting other people before me. But i've got my own life too, which has more than enough issues going on.

You would think that the truth will set you free, or that it will make things easier. How wrong are we, we never know how events will turn out until you take that risk. We can never take back the things we did, can never regret them because at some point we wanted it, even when we told some one we loved them. People fail to realize the strength of that word, when its said it's meant...you never stop loving anyone friend or lover, just learn to live without them.

Honestly. I'm still a human being, some friendships mean a lot to me, even if they aggravate my soul and it slightly bothers me that they dont feel the same.

Day 6 ♥ A stranger

I hope one day I’ll meet you, and you’ll be someone that will never leave my life. Maybe I’m hoping for too much. Even if you do not stay, I know you’ll be there for a reason.
I’m not a easy person to deal with, my emotions fluctuate all the time, I can be very selfish and most of my actions are only understood if you honestly know me, basically to know me is to love me. I cant understand myself at times, but most of my intentions are good.
Stanger, if you reading this….. I don't bite…………

Life

Ever felt alone and betrayed? Ever felt like there's no one to turn to every time somethings gone wrong? Ever felt like some risks just aren't worth taking? Ever felt like you wish you could go back and follow that gut feeling? Ever not felt like yourself and went against all your morals? Ever felt like the pain would never go away? Ever wish that friendship could still be the same? Ever wish that you can be that person that you try to convince yourself you are? Ever felt like living isn't worth it if you have all this pain?

Have you ever just wanted to cry and no tears came out?
Have you ever cried at the smallest situation that didn't have to do with you and it felt good?

You ever pray and just hope god will answer?


You ever try to laugh and it hurt?

I have.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Strolling Down Memory Lane….

Sometimes, this is the worst. You never re-live the bad times. Only the good… and soon, that ‘i miss this’ feeling comes into play. And before we know it. Were stuck, stuck ten steps back from the progress that was being made. How can we move forward if we’re stuck in the past, wishing we had that happiness of the ignorant bliss back… to have that feeling of a whole warm heart again.

Its crazy. Because even through the arguments I smiled. But it’s not you i miss. It was who you were to me. I could have loved anybody… but I chose to give it too you. I remember the whole process of slowly piece by piece I started to give you all of my heart and the more I gave the safer I felt…. I was just a fool in love, well… what I thought was love.

Every moment we spent together, I always took in every second. I can still feel your touch……..

But none of this matters anymore. I’m moving on and moving forward. Waiting for the day where I can create new memories and use my knowledge from what I learned being with you to better my relationship and self.

This a chapter I’m ready to close.

I need to get back to this……

30 Days, 30 Letters. I’ve been wanting to write more often on here rather than just post music and videos. This is definitely a good way to get that started. 

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Day 5 ♥ Letter To My Dreams

I’m GOING to achieve you

Beware I am COMING for you.

I cant quite put into stone what exactly I want, but I have few ideas and working each one of them everyday. Only thing that can stop me is God himself. Im not stopping til I’m satisfied and financially stable, no I dont want to be filthy rich…. but I want live without worrying about not having enough to pay my bills or food. In retrospect … I want to ”fuck and live comfortably” . haha I don’t know why that popped in my head, but it made sense for me. 

I have a lot I want to do. So theres plenty of options for trial and error. I know the pathway to there will be rough, hell I’m experiencing my own turbulence now, but i’m holding on tight and enjoying the ride taking anything that knocks me off course as a learning experience….never a regret. 

At the end of this journey, I know a lot of the people here now won’t be there in the end and even some of those will try to come back once they see your doing good. I’m prepared. As long as I know my family will be there…. its all I need.

I can see you, but yet so far away to touch.

heartless ♥ romantic

Day 4 ♥ Letter To My Sibling

Kaley,

I remember when I got to choose your middle name, its so silly to think of it now why I choose Courtney, but I still like it and it made me feel special that Mommy let me choose a name for you. =)

Your so annoying sometimes. I just want to lock you in a room and keep you there sometimes, but I know you’ll freak out because your too s 

cared. It annoys me how scary you are sometimes… feel like yelling ”MAN UP” some times, because in the long run people gonna run over you.

But anyway. I love you more than you can ever annoy me. Im like a second and a half parent to you. I dont know what I would do if I ever lost you. I still wish you were older, I would love to take you out and get schwasted with me and cause all kinds of BS and corrupt you. *evil laugh* I wish that you were old enough to be up with me right now. I’ll take it how things are, because you’ve taught me a lot, learned to own up to my own responsibilities and prepare myself for when I have my own kids.

I love you. End of story 

heartless ♥ romantic