I got a heavy chest...

The past month has been a filled with many emotions. Coming to a point where im growing tired of the uncertanity of the people around me, along with the choices I've made. Now, I'm not saying i'm perfect. I made my bed now I need to lay in it. In other words, I made some mistakes and have to deal with my own consequences.

There has been plenty of times where friends have walked in and out of my life, we all even have those that stay but arent really there when you need them. Its usually in my nature to let them go, but only a few I try and fight for, but theres a breaking point...when you become restless and frustrated with trying to amend things even when you feel you did no wrong. At that point you can only let life take its course. Because everything happens for a reason.

I cant help but to feel like there's some things that are being said to other people about me (which happens all the time so whatever) but, this time is trying to ruin a close friendship of mine. Peoples actions and no reason for their dislike of me have me wondering that theres more to it that are afraid to speak on. Everyone wants to speak their mind, want people to address them and act mature, but when the shoe is on the other foot its different.

Ive been fake? I've been as real as it gets when it comes to myself, and i've been learning that i need to stop putting other people before me. But i've got my own life too, which has more than enough issues going on.

You would think that the truth will set you free, or that it will make things easier. How wrong are we, we never know how events will turn out until you take that risk. We can never take back the things we did, can never regret them because at some point we wanted it, even when we told some one we loved them. People fail to realize the strength of that word, when its said it's meant...you never stop loving anyone friend or lover, just learn to live without them.

Honestly. I'm still a human being, some friendships mean a lot to me, even if they aggravate my soul and it slightly bothers me that they dont feel the same.

Day 6 ♥ A stranger

I hope one day I’ll meet you, and you’ll be someone that will never leave my life. Maybe I’m hoping for too much. Even if you do not stay, I know you’ll be there for a reason.
I’m not a easy person to deal with, my emotions fluctuate all the time, I can be very selfish and most of my actions are only understood if you honestly know me, basically to know me is to love me. I cant understand myself at times, but most of my intentions are good.
Stanger, if you reading this….. I don't bite…………

Life

Ever felt alone and betrayed? Ever felt like there's no one to turn to every time somethings gone wrong? Ever felt like some risks just aren't worth taking? Ever felt like you wish you could go back and follow that gut feeling? Ever not felt like yourself and went against all your morals? Ever felt like the pain would never go away? Ever wish that friendship could still be the same? Ever wish that you can be that person that you try to convince yourself you are? Ever felt like living isn't worth it if you have all this pain?

Have you ever just wanted to cry and no tears came out?
Have you ever cried at the smallest situation that didn't have to do with you and it felt good?

You ever pray and just hope god will answer?


You ever try to laugh and it hurt?

I have.

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Strolling Down Memory Lane….

Sometimes, this is the worst. You never re-live the bad times. Only the good… and soon, that ‘i miss this’ feeling comes into play. And before we know it. Were stuck, stuck ten steps back from the progress that was being made. How can we move forward if we’re stuck in the past, wishing we had that happiness of the ignorant bliss back… to have that feeling of a whole warm heart again.

Its crazy. Because even through the arguments I smiled. But it’s not you i miss. It was who you were to me. I could have loved anybody… but I chose to give it too you. I remember the whole process of slowly piece by piece I started to give you all of my heart and the more I gave the safer I felt…. I was just a fool in love, well… what I thought was love.

Every moment we spent together, I always took in every second. I can still feel your touch……..

But none of this matters anymore. I’m moving on and moving forward. Waiting for the day where I can create new memories and use my knowledge from what I learned being with you to better my relationship and self.

This a chapter I’m ready to close.

I need to get back to this……

30 Days, 30 Letters. I’ve been wanting to write more often on here rather than just post music and videos. This is definitely a good way to get that started. 

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Day 5 ♥ Letter To My Dreams

I’m GOING to achieve you

Beware I am COMING for you.

I cant quite put into stone what exactly I want, but I have few ideas and working each one of them everyday. Only thing that can stop me is God himself. Im not stopping til I’m satisfied and financially stable, no I dont want to be filthy rich…. but I want live without worrying about not having enough to pay my bills or food. In retrospect … I want to ”fuck and live comfortably” . haha I don’t know why that popped in my head, but it made sense for me. 

I have a lot I want to do. So theres plenty of options for trial and error. I know the pathway to there will be rough, hell I’m experiencing my own turbulence now, but i’m holding on tight and enjoying the ride taking anything that knocks me off course as a learning experience….never a regret. 

At the end of this journey, I know a lot of the people here now won’t be there in the end and even some of those will try to come back once they see your doing good. I’m prepared. As long as I know my family will be there…. its all I need.

I can see you, but yet so far away to touch.

heartless ♥ romantic

Day 4 ♥ Letter To My Sibling

Kaley,

I remember when I got to choose your middle name, its so silly to think of it now why I choose Courtney, but I still like it and it made me feel special that Mommy let me choose a name for you. =)

Your so annoying sometimes. I just want to lock you in a room and keep you there sometimes, but I know you’ll freak out because your too s 

cared. It annoys me how scary you are sometimes… feel like yelling ”MAN UP” some times, because in the long run people gonna run over you.

But anyway. I love you more than you can ever annoy me. Im like a second and a half parent to you. I dont know what I would do if I ever lost you. I still wish you were older, I would love to take you out and get schwasted with me and cause all kinds of BS and corrupt you. *evil laugh* I wish that you were old enough to be up with me right now. I’ll take it how things are, because you’ve taught me a lot, learned to own up to my own responsibilities and prepare myself for when I have my own kids.

I love you. End of story 

heartless ♥ romantic