Release

A new path, to happy and healthier methods. When the thoughts of the mind start to find itself at a loss of space in the mind ... We find a release, between the touch of a pen to the paper.

From the firewall of fear that surrounds the mind. I have found a way around the fear that won't allow me to speak the thoughts my mouth won't part to speak.

Not knowing if I was making the right choices and wondering about the endless "what-if's?" All became painful, trapped inside my body, spreading to my heart. I needed to let go, I needed a release, to breathe. 

And I dedicate this journal to breathing ... and most importantly ... healing.

Faith

I forgot how to be selfish. I'm not to sure if I ever knew how. All I knew was to take care of my family and anyone that cared for me. It was like my superpower. I can get anyone's problem handled near or from afar. It was amazing being able to see that persons smile or hear them jump for joy. It made me happy.

But when it came to me, I was lost, stuck, confused. Calling everyone for help to only be responded with "I'm sorry you're going through this". Is it my fault? Do I unknowingly make these mistakes myself? How can the problem solver solve her own problems? I never can. Feeling so overwhelmed. Point of tears and no more options. And every time I believe there is no other options, God always manages to help me find a way.

It may sound cliche, but those exact thoughts are the reason why I have faith tatted on me. I get so engulfed by these negative thoughts I forget the exact reason why I went through with something I swore up and down I would never do. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3;5)" Even though I'm still learning to accept these words and not go with my natural inclination of fear and doubt, it still manages to make it's way through those thoughts and remind me. Have Faith.

The thought of love used to scare me. 

Then I let you in.

And now the thought of losing you scares me.

The fear of never being able to feel my heart float the way it does with you.

The fear of never feeling as comfortable as I am laying on your chest with someone else.

That empty void, that I once filled with anger and hate.

You of all people came and filled it.

All I want is you

And just want to make you happy, show you i'm appreciative. 

Even if you don't know it. You saved me.

Made me into a better woman.

See my love we both have our flaws. And you've been so patient with me as I learn.

So I'm trying with you. 

Love is so unselfish.

And I give my all to you. 

But am I giving too much?

Unexplainable Void

Trying how to explain why you feel a certain way, has be the single most biggest soul search one would have to delve in. There are so many layers of why on top of why. But in the end does it even really matter? 

As long as it makes you happy and that one void in your heart seems to be filled every time you're with that person or maybe that pain you get from smiling so hard while texting doesn't even phase you. Why does there have to be a reason on why you want that person. If they know how you feel and it's reciprocated that's all that should matter. Most of the time we fall for someone and don't even realize how deep we are until we start to see them slipping from our grasps, and then it's when you see that part of you that made you so complete. You'll do anything to keep ahold of that. People always say if they chose to leave they never cared about you to being with. But that's what's wrong with us nowadays, no one wants to fight for anything and expect it to be so natural. 

Sometimes that's what people need to see to stick around ... That you care. 

Me’Shell Ndegeocello

“You made a fool of me


Tell me why


You say that you don’t care, but we made love


Tell me why


You made a fool of me
I want to kiss you


Does she want you with the pain that I do?
I smell you in my dreams


Now when we’re face to face


You won’t look me in the eye


No time, no friendship, no love


You say don’t touch you, I can’t touch you no more”

The straw that broke the camels back ..

See,
I have this big heart that always wants to care, always wants to forgive, wants to believe there's hope and not give up. And every now and then I feel it creating its own heat trying to warm up and thaw out the thick ice that surrounds it. But it's trapped. Imprisoned by something else.

I have this brain. This, logical brain. So full of clarity and able to view things from many different aspects. Keeps everything in check. When I'm in some sort if confrontation, it helps me sit back and view it from someone else's shoes. 

After many years of battles between the heart and the mind. The mind clearly won, by default of course, the heart led by its own emotion and emitting so much trust was torn apart by the same people they considered allies, people it felt it could trust and help. And maybe, but not right away be reciprocated. Which never happened.

All along the mind knew, so it sat back and watch the easiest war being won. Knowing all along, the only thing that matters was to put the wishes of the body first. Time and time the mind tried to help the heart, but like everything else the heart pumps out was stubborn as ever.

After every failed attempt the heart takes, the thick ice just grows thicker. Sometimes the mind wonders how can two thing from the same place be so different.

It's been awhile since the heart tried warm up, the mind thinks its given up, letting life run its course.

The heart tried to light it's fire... Only to send chills through the body.

3:16am

.....
I feel like I can't seem to find love . I know I should be patient . But what if I never do? What if I never find that person I could be completely comfortable with? Is it that I won't be able to until I'm comfortable in my own skin ?

They say there's someone for everyone . Then why do some people die alone ? Why do some people never get married and never have kids ? Did they miss their chance ? Perhaps I missed mine? Pushed them straight out my life . Or Walk .

I have high hopes . Well not to high, those are meant to come crashing down on you. I just don't understand it some times . Like at this moment . I would love to have someone call just cuz they can't stop thinking about me .

When the dark becomes quite and the mind starts to scatter. Who's brain do I run across?...... If anyone.